So someone is nagging me to do an update. Here it is.
It was an emotional crashing, btw.
I’m doing a bit better, but I had another panic attack yesterday, and had to ask off from work again. My doctors, family, and I are all trying to figure out what is going on. And trying to fix it. But really that is the last thing on my mind at the moment.
I found my lovebird, Roxy B Sky, dead this morning. I’m heartbroken. I’ve been bawling my eyes out all day (minus the 6 hours I spent at work). She was going to be a year old in July. I loved her to death, she was my life. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her. My room is way to quiet and empty without her.
I’ll do a better update when I have less on my mind.
Update (HAPPY?!) May 29, 2008
Empty May 21, 2008
I really don’t know what to say, because I don’t know what I’m feeling.
I crashed Monday night. Fucking CRASHED. It was ugly.
Now I’m numb, and empty. . .
Scared. . .
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to fix it. . . .
Don’t know anything.
Fuck.
I’m back. May 18, 2008
Hey. I realise I’ve been gone for a while. . . I’ve just been busy.
My best friend Sam was in town, so I’d been spending a lot of time with her. Random boy drama. Promotion at work. All excuses, but hey, that’s all I have.
I dont’ really feel like filling you in on the past month, not a lot to say about it. Sorry.
Last night was queer prom. I thought it was going to be loads of fun. . .
Got Anna at 4:20, we went back to my house, spent an hour or so getting all dolled up. She looked gorgeous, as always.
Went out to eat at red robin. Whole lotta food, only ended up eating like half of it. It happens. Leftovers rock anyway.
Then we got to prom right at 7. There weren’t many peopel there, so we sat in my car and talked for about half an hour, then finally went inside.
Prom sucked. Poorly organized, not a lot of people. . . . just lame. I felt bad. I never got to go to a real highschool prom, so I’d gotten all excited about it. . . total letdown.
We ended up going to Cherry Pie. haha. Just for a few minutes, for fun. The Anna got a call from her friend who was having a party, and we dropped by for a bit.
I think the highlight of the night was driving around with the windows down, blasting avril lavigne.
In that moment, we were infinate.
<3
Cursed April 12, 2008
3 of my past 4 relationship attempts have ended after exactly a week.
I think I may be cursed.
The good news is, I’m getting better at being rejected.
I just go to bed, sleep it off, and am reletively fine in the morning.
Something good has got to happen to me eventually.
Right?
All the things that are wrong with me. . . April 1, 2008
A list!
Lyme Disease
Depression
Anxiety
Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS)
Type 1 Diabetes
Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA)
I’m sure there are more. . . I’ll keep ya updated!
Spoons? April 1, 2008
Went to the doctor yesterday. What I thought was an allergic reaction/infection from the cream i was using on my tattoo, turns out not to be related to my tattoo at all. TURNS OUT. I have MRSA. Which is causing a great deal of physical/emotional turmoil.
The breakout is on my hip. Which means my right leg and entire torso are out of order. Which means I’ve been hanging out on the couch, with my mom waiting on me. Which I hate. I feel useless.
They also don’t know a whole lot about MRSA. My doctor seemed to think it wasn’t a big deal, but then some websites. . . make me scared. Ugh. It’s just frustrating. I can’t even get my thoughts straight. Sorry this post is so. . . iunno. Weird.
But I feel like a monster.
Past Present Future March 27, 2008
I’m watching remember the titans and thinking about how crazy it is that blacks and whites used to be so segregated.
Then I started to think. That I hope one day, people look back on how things are now, and think about how crazy it is that gays weren’t treated as fairly as straight people were.
That was close. . . March 27, 2008
Almost lost my harddrive/almost died.
Tattoo is having issues, but I think i’ve fixed them (not the tatto. . . i was having a reaction to the lotion i was using, now i’m using a&d ointment and the reaction is clearing up. . . the tattoo however, is fine.)
GOT MY FUCKING PROMOTION. It’s about time. seeing as how i almost quit.
I’m thinking about moving. Far away. Colorado? California. We’ll see. But I’m just thinking about it. Thinking is fun. Sometimes.
I’m still rather sleep deprived, and my schedule is going to get a lot more hectic w/ the promotion, so that is why this post is short and kind of sporatic.
Boys are still stupid. It’s something in the water. Or global warming. Or something.
An hour later. . . still awake. . . March 25, 2008
It’s almost 5:30 in the morning. I’ve realised that if i go to sleep now, i will never get rid of this awful vampire schedule (regardless of my dream to one day BE a vampire. . . ). So I’m just going to stay awake. Which should be too hard considering the 2 liters of Diet Pepsi max I drank this morning, and the LG Jamocha shake I had with dinner. I’m a very bad diabetic, I know.
SO! To keep myself entertained, I’m going to make a list. Of all the paranoid thoughts that go through my head on a regular (and some times not so regular) basis. Some of them are funny, some of them are sad, but you can’t really take this post seriously at all, or you will think I am crazy and stop being my friend.
And so it begins. . .
I’m fat
I’m gay. I’m straight. I’m bi. I don’t know what I am
I’m lonely
I’m scared
I’m crazy. I’m not crazy! EVERYONE ELSE IS CRAZY! I’m crazy for thinking that, aren’t I? Do they know I’m crazy?
I bet he knows I’m crazy.
That’s why he’s not talking to me. Is he really not talking to me? Or is he just not around? How do I convince myself that he’s not talking to me? What did I do to make him not talk to me? Was it something I said? Is it because of the way I look? I bet it’s because I dyed my hair blonde. But I like my blonde hair, fuck him.
MMMM FUCKING. God, i’m a perv. And a slut. No, Sluts have to have sex. Everyone else is having sex. What is wrong with me that I am not having sex?
I fail at being a teenager.
I just turned 18 and I am a virgin. WHO DOES THAT?! Christians. I’m not christian. I have no good excuse. I should just go fuck someone. That’s probably a bad idea. Who would want to fuck me anyway? No one, apparently.
This is a shitty blog.
I haven’t checked my b/g in 2 days, I bet I’m dying. Who would care? No one.
God, i’m such a loser.No I’m not, I have amazing friends.
Shut up brain.
God who thinks this much? Crazy people.
I wonder when I’m getting my blood results back. What if I’m really sick? The doctor said I wasn’t, but they didn’t know what it was. What do they know? Doctors are idiots. What if it’s really serious? What if I AM dying?
I hope I’m not dying. I haven’t done enough yet. God, how many things would I wish I’d done if they told me I was dying? So much. What kind of shit life am I living?
I bet I’m just thinking about boy so much, so I don’t thhave to think about girl. Damnit. no. no. no. shut up brain. SHUT UP.
Yeah, it’s like that. Though, not that fast. I normally concentrate on one question for a good hour. Then move on. Sometimes I don’t move on. Like I said, I have a lot of problems.
Please please plese, just do not take that seriously.
It’s 4:30 in the morning. . . March 25, 2008
Insomnia has completely consumed me.
I’ve been on a total vampire schedule lately, which doesn’t at all help my loneliness. Why no one else is online at 4 AM is totally beyond my comprehension.
Sorry about all my pathetic boy rants, but. . . well. . . I’m pathetic, so it comes with the territory.
I know I have a lot of relationship issues. I’ve been working really hard on them, but some people refuse to make it easy on me. I tend to make myself completely paranoid. . . that the person I’m in a relationship (or whatever you want to call it, friends are relationships. i use that term very loosely) with hates me, or that i’m reading all their signals wrong, or that i took something to far. . . you get the point. Basically, i just always assume that i’m screwing everything up. Yeah, healthy, I know.
Not to mention that ALL OF MY FRIENDS (with the exception of one person. you know who you are- what up homes! thanks for being single!) are in relationships. Or just fucking someone. Either way. Almost all of my friends are getting some sort of action and are satisfied in the relationship department. Which means I am the third wheel ALL THE TIME. So it sucks, and doesn’t make me feel any better about NOT having someone.
So then, when I’m ranting to these people that are in perfect relationships about how lonely I am, I always get the whole “you’ll find someone eventually” speech. GREAT. I know what it’s like to be in a relationship and think you are so very wise and that your words are going to comfort me. I also know that they are not at all comforting. Yeah, i KNOW that eventually I will not be miserable and lonely, but that does not change the fact that right now? I AM. So let me rant and be sad, and sypathise, and then let’s talk about something else so I don’t have to think about it anymore, ok? I really don’t think that is too much to ask.
On another subject etirely, my friend Katie who I hadn’t talked to in like a YEAR, contacted me the other day. Which was awesome, cuz she’s super rad and fun. So we went on an epic adventure that almost ended in a tetnis shot (but did not cuz turns out i’m up to date). But yeah, epic shit. And so now I have one more great friend which is always good and I look forward to hanging out with her more.
I’m also super frustrated with one of my coworkers. I’ve been working at the vet’s ATLEAST twice as long as she has and she has NO respect for me. I will very kindly mention that she needs to do something/forgot to do something or whatever, and then I get a 15 minute long excuse. And here’s the thing. I DON’T CARE WHY you didn’t do it, it just needs to get done. You could’ve done it 5 times in the time it took you to tell me WHY it wasn’t done before. This is NOT PRODUCTIVE. And lately, she’s just been a total bitch to me, and called me out on shit that isn’t true in front of my boss and I’m just sick of it. I’m one shift away from telling my bosses that I just can’t fucking work with her anymore, because it is that stressful. I did not sign up to babysit. If i wanted to babysit, i would put up some fucking fliers. I know this sounds really mean and bitchy, but it’s my blog, and i feel like ranting. Plus, this shit has been going on for a really long time. I’m trying to be the bigger person, I really am, but she is making it hard as hell for me to do that. I really just need to get my fucking promotion, or i need to leave. I’m 18 now, I can go be a waitress and get a shitton more money and a shitton more respect. The end. I apologize for that, but like i said, MY BLOG.
I’m housesitting right now, and the people are coming home 2morrow. Which means I need to do some dishes and shit before they show up, lol. I am so good at procrastinating. It also means that I have to get back to living with my parents. So I get a curfew, and have to check in with them all the time. I’m not a bad kid, don’t get me wrong, but I’m 18 and it would be nice if they gave me a bit more freedom. Having said that, they did tell me that if I continue to be responsible, they will take away my curfew entirely, soon. Since, like I said, I am 18. Hell yes.
Ok. I’m going to go back to being very awake and very bored. Be jealous!
