I’m watching remember the titans and thinking about how crazy it is that blacks and whites used to be so segregated.
Then I started to think. That I hope one day, people look back on how things are now, and think about how crazy it is that gays weren’t treated as fairly as straight people were.
Past Present Future March 27, 2008
That was close. . . March 27, 2008
Almost lost my harddrive/almost died.
Tattoo is having issues, but I think i’ve fixed them (not the tatto. . . i was having a reaction to the lotion i was using, now i’m using a&d ointment and the reaction is clearing up. . . the tattoo however, is fine.)
GOT MY FUCKING PROMOTION. It’s about time. seeing as how i almost quit.
I’m thinking about moving. Far away. Colorado? California. We’ll see. But I’m just thinking about it. Thinking is fun. Sometimes.
I’m still rather sleep deprived, and my schedule is going to get a lot more hectic w/ the promotion, so that is why this post is short and kind of sporatic.
Boys are still stupid. It’s something in the water. Or global warming. Or something.
An hour later. . . still awake. . . March 25, 2008
It’s almost 5:30 in the morning. I’ve realised that if i go to sleep now, i will never get rid of this awful vampire schedule (regardless of my dream to one day BE a vampire. . . ). So I’m just going to stay awake. Which should be too hard considering the 2 liters of Diet Pepsi max I drank this morning, and the LG Jamocha shake I had with dinner. I’m a very bad diabetic, I know.
SO! To keep myself entertained, I’m going to make a list. Of all the paranoid thoughts that go through my head on a regular (and some times not so regular) basis. Some of them are funny, some of them are sad, but you can’t really take this post seriously at all, or you will think I am crazy and stop being my friend.
And so it begins. . .
I’m fat
I’m gay. I’m straight. I’m bi. I don’t know what I am
I’m lonely
I’m scared
I’m crazy. I’m not crazy! EVERYONE ELSE IS CRAZY! I’m crazy for thinking that, aren’t I? Do they know I’m crazy?
I bet he knows I’m crazy.
That’s why he’s not talking to me. Is he really not talking to me? Or is he just not around? How do I convince myself that he’s not talking to me? What did I do to make him not talk to me? Was it something I said? Is it because of the way I look? I bet it’s because I dyed my hair blonde. But I like my blonde hair, fuck him.
MMMM FUCKING. God, i’m a perv. And a slut. No, Sluts have to have sex. Everyone else is having sex. What is wrong with me that I am not having sex?
I fail at being a teenager.
I just turned 18 and I am a virgin. WHO DOES THAT?! Christians. I’m not christian. I have no good excuse. I should just go fuck someone. That’s probably a bad idea. Who would want to fuck me anyway? No one, apparently.
This is a shitty blog.
I haven’t checked my b/g in 2 days, I bet I’m dying. Who would care? No one.
God, i’m such a loser.No I’m not, I have amazing friends.
Shut up brain.
God who thinks this much? Crazy people.
I wonder when I’m getting my blood results back. What if I’m really sick? The doctor said I wasn’t, but they didn’t know what it was. What do they know? Doctors are idiots. What if it’s really serious? What if I AM dying?
I hope I’m not dying. I haven’t done enough yet. God, how many things would I wish I’d done if they told me I was dying? So much. What kind of shit life am I living?
I bet I’m just thinking about boy so much, so I don’t thhave to think about girl. Damnit. no. no. no. shut up brain. SHUT UP.
Yeah, it’s like that. Though, not that fast. I normally concentrate on one question for a good hour. Then move on. Sometimes I don’t move on. Like I said, I have a lot of problems.
Please please plese, just do not take that seriously.
It’s 4:30 in the morning. . . March 25, 2008
Insomnia has completely consumed me.
I’ve been on a total vampire schedule lately, which doesn’t at all help my loneliness. Why no one else is online at 4 AM is totally beyond my comprehension.
Sorry about all my pathetic boy rants, but. . . well. . . I’m pathetic, so it comes with the territory.
I know I have a lot of relationship issues. I’ve been working really hard on them, but some people refuse to make it easy on me. I tend to make myself completely paranoid. . . that the person I’m in a relationship (or whatever you want to call it, friends are relationships. i use that term very loosely) with hates me, or that i’m reading all their signals wrong, or that i took something to far. . . you get the point. Basically, i just always assume that i’m screwing everything up. Yeah, healthy, I know.
Not to mention that ALL OF MY FRIENDS (with the exception of one person. you know who you are- what up homes! thanks for being single!) are in relationships. Or just fucking someone. Either way. Almost all of my friends are getting some sort of action and are satisfied in the relationship department. Which means I am the third wheel ALL THE TIME. So it sucks, and doesn’t make me feel any better about NOT having someone.
So then, when I’m ranting to these people that are in perfect relationships about how lonely I am, I always get the whole “you’ll find someone eventually” speech. GREAT. I know what it’s like to be in a relationship and think you are so very wise and that your words are going to comfort me. I also know that they are not at all comforting. Yeah, i KNOW that eventually I will not be miserable and lonely, but that does not change the fact that right now? I AM. So let me rant and be sad, and sypathise, and then let’s talk about something else so I don’t have to think about it anymore, ok? I really don’t think that is too much to ask.
On another subject etirely, my friend Katie who I hadn’t talked to in like a YEAR, contacted me the other day. Which was awesome, cuz she’s super rad and fun. So we went on an epic adventure that almost ended in a tetnis shot (but did not cuz turns out i’m up to date). But yeah, epic shit. And so now I have one more great friend which is always good and I look forward to hanging out with her more.
I’m also super frustrated with one of my coworkers. I’ve been working at the vet’s ATLEAST twice as long as she has and she has NO respect for me. I will very kindly mention that she needs to do something/forgot to do something or whatever, and then I get a 15 minute long excuse. And here’s the thing. I DON’T CARE WHY you didn’t do it, it just needs to get done. You could’ve done it 5 times in the time it took you to tell me WHY it wasn’t done before. This is NOT PRODUCTIVE. And lately, she’s just been a total bitch to me, and called me out on shit that isn’t true in front of my boss and I’m just sick of it. I’m one shift away from telling my bosses that I just can’t fucking work with her anymore, because it is that stressful. I did not sign up to babysit. If i wanted to babysit, i would put up some fucking fliers. I know this sounds really mean and bitchy, but it’s my blog, and i feel like ranting. Plus, this shit has been going on for a really long time. I’m trying to be the bigger person, I really am, but she is making it hard as hell for me to do that. I really just need to get my fucking promotion, or i need to leave. I’m 18 now, I can go be a waitress and get a shitton more money and a shitton more respect. The end. I apologize for that, but like i said, MY BLOG.
I’m housesitting right now, and the people are coming home 2morrow. Which means I need to do some dishes and shit before they show up, lol. I am so good at procrastinating. It also means that I have to get back to living with my parents. So I get a curfew, and have to check in with them all the time. I’m not a bad kid, don’t get me wrong, but I’m 18 and it would be nice if they gave me a bit more freedom. Having said that, they did tell me that if I continue to be responsible, they will take away my curfew entirely, soon. Since, like I said, I am 18. Hell yes.
Ok. I’m going to go back to being very awake and very bored. Be jealous!
Fairytale March 25, 2008
cinderella’s on her bedroom floor
she’s got a crush on the guy at the liquor store
cause mr. charming don’t come home anymore
and she forgets why she came here
sleeping beauty’s in a foul mood for shame
she says none for you dear prince, i’m tired today
i’d rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming
snow white is doing dishes again
cause what else can you do with seven itty bitty men
sends them to bed and she calls up a friend
says will you meet me at midnight
the tall blonde lets out a cry of dispair
says would have cut it myself if i knew men could climb hair
i’ll have to find another tower somewhere
and keep away from the window
once upon a time in a faraway kingdom
man made up a story
said that i should believe him
go and tell you white knight
that he’s handsome in hindsight
but i don’t want the next best thing
so i sing and hold my head down
and i break these walls round me
can’t take no more of your fairytale love
i don’t care
for your fairytale
you’re so worried bout the maiden
though you know she’s only waiting on the next best thing
you’re worried bout the maiden
though you know she’s used to waiting
spent here whole life being graded on the sanctity of patience
and a dumb appreciation
the story needs a mending and a better happy ending
cause i don’t want the next best thing
jka;sdlkfja March 25, 2008
I keep trying to act like i’m so over all this fucking shit.
Keep saying that I’m done.
But I’m not.
Sonofabitch.
Boy Meets Girl March 23, 2008
It’s the classic story.
Boy meets girl.
Girl falls for boy.
Boy ???? girl.
Girl needs boy more than boy needs girl.
Girl gets scared.
Girl gets lonely.
Boy has no idea.
Thing needs to be figured out.
18 + 1 Day March 21, 2008
Today started off all lame and stuff.
Then we went to Duke to get my blood drawn. again. which was a hassle, as always (they made us go to another hospital, then the shuttle couldn’t bring us back, so we had to walk, blah blah blah HASSLE).
And I look like a heroin addict. 2 blood draws, 3 days. Which isn’t that bad, but most people that have more than that are HOSPITALIZED.
THEN I find out it’s going to take a week to get the results. So my small intestines are gonna hang out and rot away for a week b4 we know what is going on. I’m thrilled.
So, after that, Mom and I got pedicures and coffee and had a grand old time. Even though the pedicure lady LAUGHED AT MY FEET. God. I work a lot ok? I can’t help that i have callouses, and dirty feet. SHUT UP LADY WHY DO U THINK I’M GETTING A PEDICURE.
Anywayyy, after that I went to meet sara so we could get our piercings. But when I got there I was like “but i don’t really want a piercing, i want a tattoo.” So i got a small teal star above my pubic hair. That is the best way i can explain it, you’ll live. I’m really excited and I love it a lot. The end.
Now I’m home, and I drank too much Coke so I’m awake as hell. SONOFABITCH. Whatever, I dont’ have to work until 1 PM 2morrow.
The line March 20, 2008
I love it when people don’t tell u where the line is. . .
And then get pissed when u cross it. . .
AND THEN BLAME U FOR EVERYTHING AND DUMP U AS A FRIEND.
Yeah man. Happy birthday.
The Dr. Called. . . March 19, 2008
It’s always reasurring to hear “and there is something else wrong with you. . . but we don’t know what it is. . . “
Supposedly I have some kind of infection in my small intestines. . . but the Doctor isn’t really sure what is causing it/what it is. So I have to go back to get another blood test soon.
Meep.
